everyone who listens to these words of mine
but does not act on them
will be like a fool who built his house on sand.
There are more days when I would be building houses on sands! I am always constantly judging my actions, wondering if I am doing it right – am I going to hell for this? It is exhausting especially when in your heart – you know it is wrong but your brain brings up a list of reasons you act that way!
This thought process gets heightened during advent or lent – as I am more surrounded by talks about being a better person or change over the time to a new Jesus! It is not that easy- while I plan prayers and scripture reading to be regular , I falter at being a good person more often during this season.
Constant road rage with the tourist season traffic, the delay in projects for various reasons, being hangry from abstinence, and worse self guilt tripping for not adhering to what I had planned for during pre advent! Life is not a bed of roses but recently I read this 33 day retreat on Marian life and it shocks me how a young Mother Mary just went along with Gods plan !!
If I was asked the same ( hypothetically speaking) , I would have doubts, queries, have a constant anxiety about what next?! The fact that mother Mary hid with Jesus as a regular normal kid from childhood till 30 years makes me wonder – how many times she didnt wonder if this is actually the son of God ?
As todays Gospel mentions – I am always building castles on sand with this constant need to approve of myself being a god catholic by celebrating all the correct sacraments and confessions and attendance to everything but in my heart I am still the same doubting Thomas !
This advent I want to try a tad bit harder with my faith – learn to listen and DO the word of God – it is very hard especially with wounds of past that have been filled with rage and hatred ! I am unsure how I will go about it but I will try – through prayer, sacraments and above all just believing in the power of the Almighty!
Prayer:
Guide me oh Lord with your words , to prepare my heart for reception of the Lord and filling this heart full of hope and love even for those who have hurt us repeatedly!
AMEN
