In 2017 Elise, my oldest daughter and myself were celebrating Christmas for a few days at my brother’s house. Along with a large number of our extended family. Just a wonderful weekend spent reconnecting and sharing memories. Until it wasn’t. Right near the end of the weekend things blew up in our faces as my daughter took offense to something that was said and decided she was going to leave. My wife convinced me to go and talk to my daughter and get her to change her mind. I went…reluctantly…to discuss things with her. Things quickly escalated and after some raised voices and not so nice comments…on both sides…she left. And stopped speaking to us. We continued to write and call to leave messages about what was happening in our lives. All the while trying desperately to keep up a line of communication.
This lasted for a year. It was the toughest thing Elise and I had to deal with. There was no way to make amends and sort things out since calls, texts and emails went unreturned. During this time we found out just how many of our friends were not talking to their children because they elected to just cut their parents off rather than discuss and resolve disagreements. Seemingly uncaring as to the anguish they were putting their parents through.
Just about one year later, our daughter contacted us and asked if we could meet to talk. This was around Thanksgiving time and she had decided to return to the Chicago area, stay at a nearby hotel and set aside some time for us to meet at a local restaurant. Elise and I quickly agreed. We also discussed ahead of time how we would approach things. It would have been very easy to get into another argument by debating who did what to who and who was responsible for what. We didn’t want that. We didn’t see that this would turn out to benefit anyone. So we decided to just listen. And boy did we have a lot to listen to!!
For almost three hours our daughter detailed everything that had been bothering her since she was young. Occasions we had long forgotten about, or remembered differently, but obviously still holding significance in her life. We listened…and listened..and listended. At the end of the three hours all of us were laughing, smiling and enjoying a cold breakfast. And she elected to come home for Thanksgiving dinner. Probably one of the best holidays we have had. She left shortly afterwards to move to Senegal where she now is married, has a business and three great sons. We talk several times per week. We have the occasional disagreement but we always talk after a few days and repair things. We forgive each other. She recognizes that she is not perfect. And we understand that we also have recently ceased being right about everything. 🙂
Forgiveness starts with communication and love. The understanding that life holds much more than holding onto grudges and past hurts. In today’s Gospel comes the all too familiar story of the Prodigal Son…the Loving Father…and the Ticked Off Brother. Apparently cutting off parents is not a new thing as the Son must have had some disagreement with Dad for him to essentially flip Dad the bird and head east. Or whatever direction caught his fancy. He basically treated his Father as if he were dead. But Dad hung in there. In the story we read how the Father saw his son coming when he was still a long way off. For that to be the case he had to be scanning the horizon every day hoping his son would make an appearance.
When they met up, the son was prepared to recite the diatribe he had in an attempt to win his way back as a hired hand. But the Father was having none of that. Before the son could finish, the Father was lavishing greetings, jewelry, clothes and a feast on his son. No petty retelling of past hurts. Just merciful acceptance back. All that mattered was that the son who was dead, has returned. And this is how God treats each of us. Accepting us back into the family when we ask and ask to be forgiven. No questions asked as if it never happened.
The brother had a different view of it all. He was really upset. Here his “good for nothing” brother returns after blowing his Father’s inheritance and is accepted back without consequence. Now remember, the brother who stayed behind did not lose anything. He has his inheritance. He has his Father’s love. But he wants more. He wants his brother to pay. Make him earn his Father’s love back. He should work for it. Be made to suffer. But that is not what God tells us. In the words from a hymn by Marty Haugen:
Return to God with all your heart, the source of grace and mercy;
come seek the tender faithfulness of God.
Forgive…70 times 7. As a result, we get to be grandparents to three amazing grandsons and also have a relationship with our daughter and son-in-law. Sometimes, being right isn’t all its cracked up to be.
