Comments on: Thursday, February 14, 2019 – The Two Become One Flesh

By: A

Fri, 15 Feb 2019 15:20:31 +0000

Thank you for your comments, Chris. They show the reality of situations from which some priests should just stay away and tell the affected people to seek qualified (!) help.

By: Chris

Chris — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 16:50:55 +0000

Dear A – your comment that priests are not psychotherapist etc., reminded me of an incident when I worked for my church. A young woman who had three children, met with me about sacramental prep for her children. Each time I sensed she wanted to tell me something that was troubling her. While she did not go into detail, she told me her husband had friends who drank and gambled too much and it was affecting their marriage and children. Obviously, I am not a psychologist. So I suggested to her, first, to go to Pastoral Care in our Diocese where they had a therapist. She didn’t want to do that, so then I suggested she speak to our parish priest thinking he might be able to suggest an alternative avenue for her to seek help. To make a long story short, he decided to meet with both of them. Later on I said, I hope Father V was able to suggest something. She said No, he didn’t, he just told her husband to “smarten up”. I am not a psychologist, but even I knew that had to be the dumbest thing to say. She eventually left her husband. The husband was a really nice guy. I met him many times when they came to Mass. I would never have suspected anything was wrong. Secondly, he was very friendly with Father V and would bring him fish whenever he went fishing. So, you are correct, most or some priests are not trained to be marriage counsellors. However, we did have an Associate Pastor who was trained as a marriage counsellor. He had a private practice in the Diocese, and he also taught at the Catholic university. Fr. P became very popular in our Parish, so many parishioners would specifically ask him for the sacrament of marriage, baptism, funerals. It got to be a bit of a competition. Eventually, Fr. P moved on. Many of us missed him.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.
God bless

By: Mary Jane

Mary Jane — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 15:37:59 +0000

The Love Dare is also a great, hands on, work book for couples – or even for anyone wanting to improve relationships with other people in your life. Even though it’s a good book for both people in a marriage or relationship – just one person making some changes can change everything. And I agree – with Carolyn – cases of abuse are another story – look for help and protect your life. Thank you Carolyn! Love and prayers for all of you at A Catholic Moment and all of us around the world listening in❤️

By: Marian

Marian — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 15:01:30 +0000

Nice reflection Carol, thank you.

By: John Ciribassi

John Ciribassi — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 14:48:43 +0000

A. I agree with you that priests are not marriage counselors…nor should they pretend to act like one. A good priest will recognize these situations in which they are not qualified to act and will refer to the appropriate counselor(s). But this does not mean that they have nothing to offer a couple. Marriages involve more than husband and wife. The third partner (hopefully not a “silent partner”) is God. In all marriages, especially a troubled one, how God fits into the relationship needs to be a factor that is explored. And a priest can help the couple see where God is in their marriage and maybe where God should be. As in most forms of therapy, a team approach is often best and a priest can play a vital role on that team.

John

By: John J Ciribassi

John J Ciribassi — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 14:47:15 +0000

By: Kelli

Kelli — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 14:26:25 +0000

I don’t think Carolyn intended to gloss over abuse situations. It seems that her main message in her reflection was focused on LOVE and forgiveness on this Valentines Day. But thank you A, for offering some good advice and thoughts for people in desperate situations of abuse.

By: A

Thu, 14 Feb 2019 13:06:44 +0000

Be careful, Carolyn. You skim over abuse, but it’s a real problem. And I totally support divorce and getting the h-e-double hockey sticks away from abusers.

But also, notice that throwing objects at somebody can qualify as abuse (physical). So can slamming doors and giving the silent treatment (emotional). Please don’t say these things lightly as if they are commonplace in marriage.

Being angry with your spouse from time to time is commonplace. Throwing things at them, slamming doors, and other behaviours that are meant to be displays of power ate not commonplace.

Take a breather, a break. Walk away from your spouse without slamming doors, throwing objects, or saying hurtful things.

Think about it this way: if your child came to you and told you that their spouse was behaving in a certain way, and you would be concerned, if not outright afraid for their safety, don’t treat your spouse that way. Your spouse is someone’s precious baby, and most of all, one of God’s children.

It took me years to unlearn the passive-aggressive (including silent treatment, emotional tugs-of-war, pitting me against each other) forms of abuse that I grew up witnessing from my parents. My parents are now divorced (thank God! Yes, I said it!), and they should have gotten divorced much earlier.

Sometimes in my weakest moments, I still fall prey to the habits that I internalized, and it takes a lot of God’s grace and strength to overcome them.

If you are feeling abused in your marriage, don’t talk to a priest. Talk to a psychotherapist (contact shelters for free or low-cost resources). Priests are not psychotherapists, social workers, or law enforcement officers. They don’t have the tools to deal with abuse (they may think they do, but the one counselling class they took in seminary school is not equal to the degree that registered psychologists, or social workers have). They can be nice people, but they’re in over their heads when it comes to abuse.