For some months there has been a sense of separation between me and some of my very good (and very holy) friends. That separation has legitimate roots in differences that are developing in our spiritualities, ministries, perspectives, and politics. It has been very painful. I recognized that this sense of separation in me was experienced as a sense of wall, of hardness of heart. As Lent began I had honest, respectful conversations with my friends. I admitted my hardness of heart, asked them for forgiveness and gave forgiveness to them. But that did not fix things at a deep level. I recognized in myself that Pavlov’s rules were working in my life. You might remember Pavlov, his dog, and his pairing of food with a bell. Then, later, he could ring the bell and the dog would salivate as if he were eating. A similar thing happens when there is trauma. If there is a similarity of situation or any sensory data, people who have experienced trauma react like Pavlov’s dog: they over generalize their learning and see in a current event situation something of the past and respond to the past situation, rather than the current event. This is seen in post-traumatic stress disorder when soldiers who have been in combat react to any loud noise. It is also in ordinary situations when, if we have a very bad meal at a restaurant, we don’t ever want to go back. I knew at least a part of the wall in current relationships (and subsequent judging attitudes on my part) came from the past. That is a cue for both confession and some kind of healing activity. I chose to use healing prayer because that would put God in the middle of it all.

I made an appointment with my confessor, who knows me well. I explained that I wanted to do healing prayer and confession at the same time. He knew the current event situation and knows healing prayer, at least in general. He was good with my request. Before the appointment I made a list of the events from childhood that would seem to feed my hardness of heart. As part of the confession I used a strategy that I have used with people in families who have need to forgive each other. That was to put imaginary rocks in Father’s hand each time I named another event and said, “I forgive.” There were events from childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. I’m not sure if I had confessed all of these situations before, but probably most of them.

What happened was that sometime in the middle of the naming, awareness in me developed of a poisonous level of resentment, anger, and repulsion buried deep in me. With that awareness, my language changed. I no longer said, “I forgive.” I began to name what I had done and not done in response to the evil done to me. I began to own my part in the path that evil had taken in my life in some critical family events. I named sins of my own. At the same time, God gave me clarity at understanding that some things I have felt guilty about for years were not what happened. The biography of my life changed because my understanding changed.

Father’s response was to say he was putting all others’ sins and my own into the Sacred Heart of Jesus, to melt them into lava, which could become a road for me now to walk on. It was the perfect thing for Jesus to do with all our sins.

There were many tears and my brain was cotton for the rest of the day. But there was also immediately a tremendous sense of relief, of lightness, of light, and of peace. I am at total peace with my friends, God, and myself. Since last Friday there have been many thoughts, questions, etc. Still, peace, energy, joy–all the fruits of the Spirit are very much within me.

I hope this helps those of you who want to know more. Blessings,
Mary Ortwein

God Bless!

May the Lord bless you and your loved ones, and may He continue to enrich your Lenten journey.

There are many models of healing prayer out there. I have received healing prayer through some people trained in the Christian Healing Ministries model. However, the process of healing I used last Friday was a combination of their model and some of my therapist background.

I am willing to give some more details of my experience, but it will take a bit of thinking and praying to give what is helpful to others while maintaining my privacy. I will have answers about that as a response to this post by in the morning. Blessings, all!

Mary Ortwein