My entire faith life has been about this. A power I am made to believe is so strong it can grant all my wishes if I am a good girl… eat all my veggies and don’t fight with my brother! I believed so hard, I would go to the chapel in school and pray every morning on my knees with my eyes closed for a good day and a happy day — memory to recollect all I studied for exams and to do my best!
As I grew up to be a rebellious teenager, I did visit the blessed sacrament when I wanted peace and to cry a bit in silence with no one questioning me! It was the nicest and calmest place I knew! But there was always a lady sprawled on the floor mumbling her prayers loud enough to disturb my concentration and annoy me!
After I joined residency, I prayed for patients—in difficult cases, before I scrubbed for cases and opened humans up, and when the baby didn’t cry when I delivered him/her… it was that silent prayer when I looked at the mother and wished she would see her child. I frequented a chapel built across a miraculous cross by the highway in my state — sat through mass so often, the sacristan called me to read and sing too.
Then I burnt out at my job and was at a crossroads about whether I should even continue as a doctor and took a short holiday when I stumbled across this website– I loved reading reflections by Laura, Bob, John, Mary, Carolyn… but what I waited for every Saturday was a reflection from Julie Young. I would comment on every one of her stories and reflections! They just made me think, and I soon was invited to join as an author with the POV (point of view) of being a pro-life Catholic OB-GYN in India.
In all of the chaos of my life, I would make it a point to post my reflection—some days I couldn’t due to travel or work, or sometimes I just forgot! (I am human.) But in all these comments and readers and replies, some including my family and friends from home — I would search for Him.
Who then is this about whom I hear such things?”
And he kept trying to see him.
Today’s gospel mentions Herod’s search for Jesus—it is very similar to mine! I have been hunting for the Lord everywhere—Sunday mass, blessed sacrament, rosary with my family, being with my patients, and watching them beat cancer and their worst odds! But I often forget He is within me! In that filthy heart & mind full of hate, wrath, envy, and pride—a body of lust, gluttony, and greed– there is a tiny sliver of hope—my silver lining when I say the name of Jesus and wear his cross and pray.
I know that I have the Lord in me, and so do you! Time to dive within and find him out! It’s time to stand up for our faith and shine it like late Charlie so that everyone knows, “I see Him, the one who everyone hears of!”
AMEN
