Wednesday, June 19, 2019 – Do What is Right … Discreetly

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A couple of years ago I read an article from the New York Times entitled “Raising a Moral Child”. Although the piece is secular, I found the entire article interesting . . . not least of which because I’m trying to raise a moral son of my own. Probably the most fascinating part of the feature for me was toward the end, where it recounts an experiment from the 1970s. In this experiment, an adult taught children how to play a game the researcher devised. The adult would either teach the children to be selfish or unselfish in how they acquired tokens in the game. Then the adult would either perform selfishly or unselfishly during the game (so that the children could observe). In other words, there were four possibilities:

  1. Teacher preached being selfish; teacher was selfish in action.
  2. Teacher preached being selfish; teacher was generous in action.
  3. Teacher preached being generous; teacher was selfish in action.
  4. Teacher preached being generous; teacher was generous in action.

The results were somewhat surprising. When the teacher was selfish in action, then so were the children, regardless of what the teacher preached. That result makes intuitive sense; the truism “actions speak louder than words” was even repeated in the article.

However, what was really interesting was that teaching the children to be generous or selfish had no effect on how generous the students were. What mattered was if the instructor exhibited generosity; if so, the children gave 49% more than the norm, even if the instructor had taught the children they should be selfish.

Of course, as followers of Christ, we’ve known this for almost two thousand years.

In today’s portion of the Gospel of Matthew (6:1-6, 16-18), Jesus goes to great lengths to explain how the act of sacrifice is infinitely more powerful than the appearance of sacrifice. We shouldn’t give to charity, or perform righteous deeds, or pray, or fast, solely because we expect a reward in this world. And “reward” doesn’t just mean personal puffery or social status; as the research proved, the reward of having raised moral children – a goal most parents have – can’t be achieved by saying we’re serving God. What’s most important is actually doing so, without thought of reward, recognition, or recompense.

Jesus spoke out time and again against the hypocrites of the world. However – with this selection from Matthew – perhaps Jesus is once again proving how he was both fully divine and fully human; although unstained by original sin, he still recognized and understood the broken nature of humanity and our tendency toward hypocrisy. Perhaps Jesus encourages us to harness our innate hypocritical tendencies, using that urge to serve God. If there is going to be a divide between what you say and what you do, make sure the hypocrisy is in serving the Lord. Jesus touches on this divide again between what is said and what is done in the Parable of the Two Sons – see Matthew 21:28–32 – when he asks, “Which of the two did his father’s will?”

Like the eager eyes of learning children, our Father in heaven sees all. Our children see our private actions and use those examples as the foundation of their morality, while our Father sees our private actions to tell if our hearts have truly embraced the truth of Christ. Let us live as Jesus commanded and do what is right discreetly; those who need to see will do so.

About the Author

Despite being a professional writer and editor for over 15 years, Steven Marsh is more-or-less winging it when it comes to writing about matters of faith. Steven entered the church in 2005, and since then he's been involved with various ministries, including Pre-Cana marriage prep for engaged couples, religious education for kindergarteners, and Stephen Ministry's one-on-one caregiving. Steven lives in Indiana with his wife and son. Despite having read the entirety of the Bible and the Catechism of the Catholic Church, he's still surprised at elements he rediscovers or reflects upon in new ways. The more Steven learns about the faith, the less he feels he knows; he's keen to emphasize that any mistakes are his own.

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10 Comments

  3. Thank you Steven. It’s something that frustrates me that parents blame the teachers for the behaviour of their children who are plainly learning their lessons at home.

  4. Hey Steven,

    The first part of the title of your reflection is, of course, the hard part of teaching morality. It reminds me of the conclusion of yesterday’s Gospel reading: “So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Much easier said than done.

    Going to extremes, either acting totally selfish or totally generous, as the experiment showed, will obviously affect those present. I will pretty much assume that most of are an amalgamation of a lot of different emotions and, at times, will either be selfish or generous, depending on the situation. I’m guessing that this is the action that most children will observe and I would call it living in an imperfect world.

    I guess my point is, if you are being discreet, as your title and the Gospel states, about your prayer, alms giving and fasting, how can you be setting an example for your child to follow? They won’t know your doing the “generous” part of living.

    Mark

  5. When I first started facilitating Sacramental prep for my church, one of the pieces of material I referred to for Baptism Prep said “parents are our first teachers”. As the old saying goes Actions speak louder than words. Children are great mimics. They pick up every little thing you say and do. Whether we like it or not, we become our mothers and fathers – we have learned certain mannerisms from them simply by observing what they say and do. Probably the most difficult thing for a parent to do is teach a child to love God, love themselves and love their neighbour. This can only be done through actions. As an example, I offer you my mother. She never preached to us about God, or you must say your prayers, go to church. She practised it herself. She was a very early riser, she said a quick morning prayer, she was the last one to go to bed, again a quick night time prayer. My mother would go to a very early Sunday morning mass (6:30 am). As a little child, I woke early and would accompany her – more like follow her, tugging at her skirt! My siblings and I, I guess you could say learned through osmosis. Even though I stopped attending Mass at my parish almost a year ago, I still feel the tug of being drawn back. I have never stopped praying, and I continue to read, reflect, learn about my faith. I have often said that I inherited my faith from my mother. Faith is a gift given to us by God, but nourished, nurtured by our parents.

    My mother also gave generously of her time and talents, not just to the church, but also to family and friends. We literally had an open door policy – our back door was always unlocked. Our kitchen and dining area was located near the back door and when my mother prepared our meal, especially our Sunday meal, we nearly always had a guest who would be passing by, who my mother would invite to stay for dinner.

    A few friends and family who are still alive, sometimes would surprise me by relating something my mother shared or did. And so, we will be known by our actions.

    ????????????
    Blessings
    ………………………………………………………………………
    Thou hast given me so much. Give me one more thing – A Grateful Heart. – George Herbert

  7. Good question, Mark. I think Chris’ example of her mother illustrates the answer well. Not preaching about it, but doing it, and not doing it in a grandiose ways but in a natural way that was in keeping with her character. Her children saw, because “discreet” and “private” in this case means doing it in the household as part of life, not broadcasting these actions to everybody. I’m sure the Lord saw, too.

  8. BTW, Chris, I think that your mom encompassed the reading from 2 Corinthians today. I know that it lit a fire under me to get moving and do the things the Lord wants me to do. Thank you, Holy Spirit!

  9. Hey A and Steven,

    First, I would argue that our first teacher is our conscience, not our parents. No matter how good or bad our parents are, we are born with a conscience.

    Second, I love the OT. One of my favorite books is Ecclesiastes. If you read chapter 3, you’ll see my train of thought.

    Mark

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