Catholic Jokes

Priest clip art

A priest and a parishioner volunteered to help the carpenters fix roofs for parishioners in need.

One of the volunteers was up on a ladder nailing.  Every time he reached in his nail pouch and pulled out a nail, he would look and it and then toss it over his shoulder or nail it to the roof.

The priest watched him do this for a while and was puzzled.  Finally he couldn’t take it any longer and yelled up to the volunteer on the ladder, “Why are you throwing away all those nails?”

The volunteer replied, “When I pull it out of my nail pouch and it is pointed toward me I throw it away.  If it’s pointed toward the house, then it’s safe to use.”

The priest became very frustrated then and shouted up at him, “That’s stupid!  Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you!  They are for the other side of the roof!”

 

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The newly ordained associate pastor was really nervous about hearing confessions at his new parish.

So, he asked the older priest to listen in.  After several parishioners finished with their confessions, the older priest offered him a little advice:

“Just cross your arms over your chest, rub your chin and try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on.  I understand.  How did you feel about that?”

The new priest tried out the gestures and words.  The older priest said, “Good, now don’t you think that sounds a lot better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No way!  You did what?”

 

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A bishop, a priest and a deacon were lined up and about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign country.

The executioners brought out the bishop first, and when the guard shouted, “Ready … aim …” the bishop suddenly yelled, “EARTHQUAKE”, and when everyone looked around, he made a run for it.

They brought the priest out next.  The guard shouted, “Ready … aim …” and suddenly the priest yelled, “TORNADO” and when everyone ducked, he too, ran off.

The deacon of course had it all figured out by then.  When they brought him out and the guard shouted, “Ready … aim …” he deacon suddenly yelled, “FIRE.”

 

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A pastor, associate pastor and the pastoral associate were walking to a meeting and decided to take a shortcut through a vacant lot, when they stumbled upon an ancient oil lamp.  They laughed and decided to rub it, and to their amazement a genie appeared and offered to grant them each one wish.

The pastoral associate cries out, “I want to be on an island paradise, laying around in the sun without a care!”  So the genie waves his hand and he disappears in a puff of smoke.

The associate pastor jumps up and tells the genie, “I want to walk through the halls of the Vatican and look at all the artwork and never have to go to another meeting as long as I live.”  So, he too disappears.

The pastor scowled at the genie and said, “I want those two back in time for the meeting.”

 

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A young priest was giving a lesson on the 23rd Psalm to the children in third grade.  He noticed that little Jimmy seemed upset with the verse, “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.”

So the priest asked him, “What’s wrong, Jimmy?”

Little Jimmy replied, “Well, I’m not too worried about the goodness and mercy part, but I’m not so sure that I would like Shirley following me around all the time.”

 

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A small parish suddenly stopped buying office supplies from it’s regular supplier.  So, the dealer called the pastor to ask him why.

“I’ll tell you why,” shouted the pastor.  “Our church ordered some pencils from you that we used in the pews for the new visitors to fill out their registration forms.”

“Well,” the dealer interrupted, “did you receive them on time?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” answered the pastor.  “You sent us 6 bundles of little pencils, and each one was stamped with the words:   Play Golf Next Sunday.”

 

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All the children were lined up for Father to hear their first confession.  When it was Johnny’s turn, the priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy confessed, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”

“That was a very misguided thing to do,” the priest said patiently.

“No, it wasn’t misguided at all,” said little Jimmy, “I hit him.”

 

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After a wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with his offering for the wedding.

“Look, Father, I will give you $100 if you change the wedding vows for me.  When you get to the part where I’m suppose to promise to ‘love, honor and obey and forsake all others and be faithful to her forever’, I would really appreciate it if you would just skip that part.

He gave the priest his $100 offering and left.

When the wedding day arrived, it came time for the groom to say his vows.  The priest looked the young man in the eyes and said, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command, serve her breakfast in bed every morning for the rest of your life, and swear before God and your lovely wife that you will never, ever, even look at another woman so long as you both shall live?

The groom froze for a moment, looked around and then said in a tiny whisper, “I do.”

After the Mass, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed at him, “I thought we had a deal.”

The priest slipped the $100 bill back into the groom’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”